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What is Competitive Intelligence - a brief guide

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Business Humour

Businesses (and people) over time develop habits and patterns of working. Sometimes these will lead to success, but often they can stop management from seeing reality - especially when the business environment changes.

A successful competitive intelligence programme will identify these business blindspots - both in the company itself, and in its competitors. Taking advantage of competitor blindspots is a major way that a company can beat its competitors, so it is crucial to understand one's own blindspots so as to protect oneself from possible attack.

One way to illustrate business problems is through humour. Humour allows businesses to take a step back and see a problem applied to a situation that appears different to their own. However on deeper examination, one can sometimes see similar behaviour in the organization - thus highlighting a possible blindspot.

Humour is just one technique for showing blindspots. Others include the use of drama workshops and story-telling, or war-gaming where the business environment is modelled and management try and take an external look at their and their competitor situations. This page gives examples of business humour that may seem amusing but have a grain of truth to them. (If you know of other similar items please contact us and if we like them, then we will add them - with an author credit if desired. We also plan to change stories on a regular basis - as we come across suitable items - so bookmark this page and revisit for further examples of business humour.)

Most of the following stories and office "theories" are anonymous. That does not mean that they lack validity - and in fact there are a number of lessons relevant to general business, marketing and competitive intelligence that can be learned from them.

Famous People - Next Job Interviews

Julius Caesar - My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I'd like to get away from all that.

Jesse James - I can list among my experience and skills:

leadership,
extensive travel,
logistical organization,
intimate understanding of firearms,
a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.

Lucretia Borgia - My greatest accomplishment? after I took over the department, our competition just seemed to drop out of sight one by one.

Pandora - I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.

Genghis Khan - My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job, I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.

Macbeth - Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?

Lady Godiva - What do mean this isn't business casual?

Elvis - My last boss and I... say, are you going to eat those fries?

Just because the Resume / CV looks good does not mean it wasn't embellished. And even if the interview went well, the candidate could have lied. Rather than take the risk, take up the references!

How to delay paying your bills.

Wait until they send the bill the third time then write. (Never phone, or use e-mail - writing is slower) and ask why you haven't received an invoice. Demand a written reply for your auditors.
Ask for an itemised account but don't explain what you mean by itemised. When you receive the invoice, write back saying that it was not what you had wanted at all.
Send a cheque with figures not matching words. When they call to complain, send a corrected cheque - but omit to sign it.
Send a copy of their invoice with a torn corner of cheque stapled to it. This will start a frantic hunt for your missing cheque. When you eventually hear from your supplier - delay further while you check with your bank. And all the time they'll be apologising to you!
Tell them that your cheques require two signatures and the other signing officer is on prolonged sick leave/sabbatical/silver anniversary cruise for the next month
Send a cheque for the wrong amount made out to a completely different (fictional) company. When they call, promise that you will sort it out - but will have to track down how the mistake occurred and contact the other company to get the cheque back.

Courtesy of Dun & Bradstreet who point out that none of these will work if you use their services! In fact good credit control is essential for business cash flow. Even though customers may try and delay paying their bills, there is a guaranteed way of collecting from all but the most awkward debtors. The 4 P's

1. Personal Contact - deal directly with your debtor.
2. Patience - be prepared to wait
3. Persistence - but don't ever give up.
lead to
4. Payment of bills, quickly, without problems.

(Courtesy of Paul Hemsley, ex-of Thomson Scientific (formerly Derwent Information)

The Mushroom Theory of Management

Keep all employees in the dark and feed them sh*t!

Top-Down Planning?

In the beginning was the plan and then came the assumptions and the assumptions were without form and the plan was without substance and the darkness was upon the face of the workers and they spoke amongst themselves saying "It is a crock of sh*t, and it stinketh".

And the workers went to their supervisors and said
It is a pail of dung and none can stand the odour that rises from it.
And the supervisors went unto the managers and said
It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none can come near.
And the managers went to their directors saying
It is a vessel of fertiliser and none can stand its strength.
And the directors spoke among themselves saying to one another
It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong.
And the directors went unto the vice-presidents and said
It promotes growth and is very powerful.
And the vice-presidents went to the President and said to him
This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this company.
And the President looked on the plan and saw that it was good, and the plan became policy.

The above story, unfortunately, is typical of the way many companies work. Rather than listening and communicating honestly, different levels within the organization pass on only what more senior management want to hear. This way the truth disappears, and policies are made that ignore reality - a classical business blindspot. This tends to go hand-in-hand with the Mushroom Theory of Management above.

A matter of interpretation.

When I take a long time - I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time - he is thorough.
When I don't do it - I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it - he is too busy.
When I do something without being told - I am trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same - that is initiative.
When I please my boss - I am creeping.
When my boss pleases his boss - he is co-operating
When I do good - my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong - he never forgets.

Another version - this time from a more feminist perspective (?) was passed to us as an E-mail from the "Cab Lady" in Singapore. The original was by Katherine S. Beamer. It can, however, be made more general - just change some of the words: man could become "lazy employee" while a woman could become "the boss". It doesn't work totally - but it illustrates how some people view work and others.

A man is a person who, if a woman says, Never mind, I'll do it myself, lets her.
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, Never mind, I'll do it myself, and he lets her, gets mad.
A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, Never mind, I'll do it myself, and he lets her and she gets mad, says, Now what are you mad about?
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, Never mind, I'll do it myself, and he lets her and she gets mad, and he says, Now what are you mad about? says If you don't know I'm not going to tell you.

Rules of Work

3) Voice Mail

Never answer your phone. People don't call you because they want to give you something for nothing. They call you because they want you to do work for them. By not answering your phone and letting all calls go to voice mail you can screen the calls.

If somebody sends you a voice mail message that sounds like it will result in work, then respond during the lunch break or when you know the caller will not be there. It'll look as if you are hardworking and conscientous - even though you're actually shirking work.

Based on ideas from BBC Television's The Office. For further rules of work and office humour, bookmark this page and visit again soon.

Quick Tip: Entrance

Quick Tip

A woman walked up to the manager of a department store and asked. Are you hiring any help? The manager answered: No - We already have all the staff we need! The woman responded: Good - then would you mind getting some one to wait on me?

How is your customer service? Are you risking sales and customer dissatisfaction because the staff you have do not focus sufficiently on your customers? We can all recognise the department store or shoe shop with sales agents busy talking to each other about what they were doing the night before, rather than helping us make a purchase. The same applies to non-retail businesses. Rather than hire new staff, make sure that the staff you have focus on the customers you need.

(For more marketing and business humour, visit our humour pages)

Books - Competitors (Fahey)

Recommended Book

Competitors (Fahey)
Competitors: Outwitting, Outmanoeuvring, and Outperforming
Liam Fahey
Buy UK £ or US$

Read our review of this book

Competitors shows you how to determine what you need to know about competitors, analyse competitor strategy, predict likely next moves and link this into your own operations, avoiding many errors associated with traditional approaches.
Liam Fahey is one of the leading new thinkers on Competitive Strategy and this book introduces Fahey's concept of "competitor learning", giving guidelines for identifying and analysing key competitor data to help gain strategic insights. An important book - that should sit on any CI analyst's bookshelf.

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For more recommendations visit our book selection.

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Further information on the Institute of Competitive Intelligence.

Finding Competitive Intelligence using Online Sources

AWARE consultants are experts at discovering competitor information online and have developed a market-leading course on Finding Competitive Intelligence using Online Sources. This course has been given as an in-house course to numerous companies across industries (e.g. IT, publishing, telecoms, chemicals....) and countries, as well as publicly at SCIP annual and European conferences (e.g. the SCIP 2008 Annual Conference in San Diego, California), the London International Online Information Conferences and other similar events.

The workshop has received high praise for its unique approach to finding competitive intelligence on the Internet. The workshop - available as a half-day or full day in-house training course - teaches attendees how to find actionable competitive intelligence rather than just present a list of sources that quickly date. Like all AWARE's in-house training, the course can be customised to focus on industry or competitive area.

For more information on this workshop and how it can help you become a more effective Internet researcher check out our Competitive Intelligence Training and ask us about our courses on finding CI information.

Our services in competitive intelligence research, competitor analysis and CI training will help you integrate and use competitive and marketing intelligence in your business, strategic and marketing planning processes. Whether you need research, advice or training, our mission is to support our clients so that they achieve their growth objectives.

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Last page / site update: Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Competitive & Marketing Intelligence Resources Business Humour

Competitive & Marketing Intelligence Resources
Business Humour